double falcon all the way across the nile

[double falcon all the way across the nile]

it’s kinda weird how hard it is to find good statistics on how often people have sex.

(i have reasons beyond “i’m horny”, like “i’m interested in understanding horniness in games”. like, it’s not just rare that games have sex, even when they have romance and other “adult” themes, but then that you have sex, like, *more than once* with the same person. that what they have is so not-sex, i don’t get what people get out of it.)

most of what i found either has huge problems getting real answers (bad samples, in-person interviews, etc) or uses very coarse buckets (“once or more per week”, “… per month”, “… per year”, “less than that”, that’s it).

part of that seems to be that most surveys are primarily interested in disease (so you care much more about the number of partners) and identity (so you only care who people fuck, not how).

the only actual (partial) answer i found is from 1995, The Incidence and Frequency of Marital Sex in a National [ie american] Sample, which has this graph:

but note this kinsey institute study on what people count as “had sex”:

(note also in the paper that women generally have a slightly higher tendency to count things as “sex”, contrary to the omnipresent and statistically impossible result that women report fewer opposite-sex partners than men do.)

[double falcon all the way across the nile]

a little re-trans-pective, because that’s both the major personal thing for me, and also the only thing in my life i can freely talk about right now.

i’ve been on hrt for.. about 4 months now?

(for anyone counting at home, it took me about a month to work out starting regimes and to give up on doctors, and then about another month to secure supplies and get the base dosage right.)

a few thoughts i wish i could shout back through time at myself to when i was 14:

• this is the best thing ever
• you probably still have some memories from before gender, though i expect you’ll have to go back to when you were 5, but it was never inevitable to feel wrong, and soon you won’t have felt right for so long, you forgot what *feeling right* feels like
• but for the gods’ sake, that’s not some kind of universal unsatisfactoriness of existing, you buffoon, you just have the wrong hormones in your system and you live as the wrong gender
• seriously, that’s just it, it’s not dukkha, it’s fucking lack of estrogen
• that persisting nightmare of your soul being ripped in half, and one half, female, being torn away from you, screaming, until you wake up a hollow shell? that’s not even a cigar, you idiot
• you probably won’t believe me at first, so i just gotta knock you out with a giant cock and inject some estrogen right now and tomorrow you’ll start to believe me, and in short time you’ll be a crying mess because i just fixed your life, moron, and kickstarted a kink or two, you’re welcome
• you should know that you have an entire sexuality and libido that’s buried under a giant ball of anxiety, and all that anxiety will melt away as you fix your hormone system

ahem. so i’m definitely not in the “subtle, if any, mental effects” camp of hrt. frankly, i find that camp *bizarre*. i could hardly think of a more *fundamental* mental change.

(maybe you “subtle” girls all dose *way* too low? you probably do, doctors are shit, try taking 4 times what they say, you can pat me later.)

i’ve had some dosage fluctuations due to changes in what form of estrogen i take and on what schedule, and i can tell immediately when my estrogen is too low. it feels like penetrating noise and sometimes screaming wrongness and soon a blunt void.

there’s a few drugs that numb that (i used to love those drugs), but there’s only one thing that fixes it and replaces it with calm and happy *rightness*: estrogen.

so yeah: <3333

in terms of plans for next year, there’s lots to do and an actual social transition to deal with, but i’m honestly pretty excited and mostly just impatient because most of the things inherently take so much time and practice.

(the only thing i dread is wanting to buy clothes, which is the *worst* of all shopping experiences.)

i’m most looking forward to growing out my hair again now that my new shampoo(s) i’ve been using seem to have fixed my skin problems.

(shoulder length! for the love of cock, i shaved off *shoulder length*! i loved my hair, but it was killing me. though shaved heads are soo~~ convenient. good thing i don’t live in a place with a summer.)

also i’m kinda excited and scared about adding progesterone in a couple months or so. i don’t know how i could handle any *increase* in my sex drive. i’ll end up revolutionizing the genre of horny npc mods. (not like that’s hard.)

speaking of which, personal shout-outs!:

• angelo for baldur’s gate 2, who is honestly really sweet and more likeable than he has any right to be.
• verr'sza for baldur’s gate 1 (and sod). like ok yeah, i went into it all horny for some buff tiger action. also, lava’s writing is unfortunately pretty awkward at times. i overall like a lot of his mods though, and he does deliver a sexy murder tiger. <33
• almilia’s daughters for morrowind, which honestly is as just silly as it sounds and the quests are kinda shallow, but the straightforward ability to fuck just about anybody and then sometimes rob them blind adds so much. slutty kleptomaniac is my favorite character archetype tbh.

wait this wasn’t gonna be about horny mods and i don’t have any time left to sketch out my real thoughts on them anyway, so 2019, here we come!

[double falcon all the way across the nile]

why am i thinking about writing porn

i increasingly wanna try

i feel so frustrated by how i can’t find the porn i crave, and maybe i can get over feeling unable to write anything well, like maybe i can learn to write nice porn

but like, eevee’s strawberry [horny games] jam is really cool and has been on my mind for ages, so…

it will probably be rubbish, but how hard can it be to just *try*…

fuck i’m installing twine

[double falcon all the way across the nile]

there was this moment in my last baldur’s gate playthrough where one of my companions with trust issues asked me who in the party i might be dating, and it, correctly!, listed all 5 party members.

jennifer hepler really had the right idea. i so wanna play a biowarian game that focuses exclusively on dating everyone you meet, getting over personal issues, collecting shinies in colorful environments, and maybe some very light and rare mechanical conflict.

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like, in secret little haven, there’s this moment where alex realizes that, you know, you can just *be a girl*, and it shakes her completely that this is a thing that one can actually do.

and i related to that so hard:  the oppressive roots went so deep that for *so long* i never even thought of it as powerlessness, as lack of agency. the thought that such freedom might even exist in any form at all was completely unthinkable to me.

getting to the point of despair where i felt that it would all be impossibly difficult for me was, in retrospect, a major *improvement* and huge progress. for the first time, i *noticed* the thing sitting on my chest that prevented me from breathing.

a few months after i moved to ireland, our roommate completely changed her name, just because she wanted to, and it was fine.

and…

i could feel that the old name i was given.. i could feel that *i didn’t want that name*. i didn’t feel yet like i could ever get what i want, but i felt that there was something i wanted, and that i didn’t need any reason beyond that.

(hold on a moment, i’m getting pretty emotional and i can’t make any words come out right, and there’s this thing to my mom i wrote but never sent, that tries to make a similar point, and… i’ll take a break and maybe continue this in a bit…)

[double falcon all the way across the nile]

every time i look into the details of the german bureaucracy i wanna deal with next year, i’m getting closer and closer to seriously applying for irish citizenship instead.

it really looks like doing that would in the end save me thousands of euros and so much paperwork just to, ultimately, make three social facts official: my name, my marriage, and my gender.

like, that pisses me off the most about it: that i need to plead to very high courts just to get three pieces of paper that say “we begrudgingly acknowledge this, signed: the state”.

if i’m honest, the only real reason against it is that it still feels kinda verboten to me to just change your citizenship for practical reasons. but i’m warming up to it.

[double falcon all the way across the nile]

i mean, like most people, i already have a name, but next year i’ll likely file some paperwork which will also allow me to register a new name at the same time, and aside from making certain things official with the irish state, i wasn’t really gonna go crazy with it, but i just learned of the irish name sadhbh, pronounced sive (/saɪv/), meaning sweet-lovely one, and now i’m *soo* tempted.

[double falcon all the way across the nile]

the irish thing of having crisps with everything is really making a lot of sense to me now.

we got a few (plain) potato crisps for breakfast as a joke a while ago, but they really complement sandwiches and add some nice savory crunchiness, so now we often have a small bowl and it’s great.

i’m still unsure about putting them *on* sandwiches. i mean, it works great as food, but it’s kinda tricky to keep them in place unless you make a really big sandwich, so it’s mostly just another source of spilling food everywhere, and i *really* don’t need more of that, i already make a mess every time i put something in my mouth.

on the other hand, having *fries* with everything would be kinda understandable, potatoes are great and fries are a good form of potato, but irish fries are all super soft and mushy, so meh. 

but yeah: crisps + sandwiches <3

[double falcon all the way across the nile]

update: grasshoppers are tasty but i just can’t get past the faces. they have a clear head. i don’t like eating fish with heads, i don’t like eating things that look like they’re still alive.

i mean, i actually like eating new food but complain about it every time anyway because i’m a dumbass who loves novelty but hates change, so i did mostly enjoy eating the grasshoppers, but they never stop squicking me out.

gonna stick to shrimp tbh

[double falcon all the way across the nile]

also, ugh, i apologize for the boring and not even useful post, this isn’t dreamwidth, and i didn’t even include some fluffy catboys to balance it out.

i’ll try to do better. <3